Did you ever play the game “Gossip”? You know, the amusing children’s game in which a person starts with a “secret” such as “The grey cat and the orange dog slept in the greenhouse last night.” They whisper their secret to Amanda then Amanda whispers it to Tommy, Tommy whispers it to Blake, so on and so forth until after 10 or so kids the secret has morphed into Alice telling the whole class “A Day at door slipped creamed class aside”. Its ridiculous and yet so much fun.
The point of the game is of course firstly to have fun and secondly to teach children that gossiping takes on a life of its own and after traveling through several people the original story is nothing like it began and is often no longer even coherant. This is harmless fun that teaches a valuable lesson but of course this is just a game. It isn’t so innocent in our grown up lives though. Gossip is often far more dangerous and malicious than just what animals slept where last night.
So What’s Wrong With a Little Gossip…
I sit here at my favorite little cafe, having just left prayer group and I am enjoying my delicious breakfast of eggs, ham and cheese on bread and dripping with sauce. I finish eating and begin researching and reading, for my next article. The air is clean and cool, the sun is shining, the aroma of food from the cafe kitchen in the air. It’s a beautiful day and I can feel The Holy Spirit. I can hear the ladies at the table next to me. Let’s call them Tiffany, Martha, and Carol. They clearly are old friends and intimately familiar with each others lives. Based on their conversation they are all Christians. It appears they have all come together for brunch to catch up with one another and enjoy some fellowship. I try to mind my own business and not listen but they are only 3-4 feet from me.
Tiffany, a young woman, is angry because a friend or family member (Mary) planted in her garden without asking. Discussion ensues, Tiffany is saying how inconsiderate this was because Mary did it all wrong; and Martha and Carol chime in, how one should NEVER do someone else’s dishes or laundry without asking first, much less planting their garden for them. “Its all about HER?” Tiffany says. Carol, an older woman, is laughing and, in a condescending tone, discussing someone she knows not wanting Western medicine to treat her medical condition. “God created doctors to treat these problems! And you’re just trusting in God to heal you?!” She says. Carol has made her position quite clear and how little she respects the choices that her “friend” has made for herself. The conversation continues about one person and then the next.
“Thank God I Am Not a Sinner Like Them”
How many times have I been on the other side of this situation? Discussing how selfish someone is because they don’t do things my way? I LOVE when someone does my dishes! Please feel free to come plant a garden for me! Laundry?… The bane of my existence… By all means! Talk about ungrateful! Do I often sound so petty and ungrateful? Do I fail to have gratitude for the help of others when it doesn’t look like how I would do things? St. Padre Pio once said something to the effect of: I like to pick on my friends but to gossip or speak ill of another is reprehensible.
“When you gossip about a person it means that you have removed the person from your heart. But be aware, when you remove a man from your heart, Jesus also goes away from your heart with that man.” -St. Padre Pio
I find myself thinking what petty, rude, gossips these women are, yet there is so much I am not privy to about what they are speaking about and there are those in my life I feel this way about. Where is my charity?! Where is my compassion? Am I not sitting here judging their hearts? How often do I sadden my Jesus by my lack of love for others? I am grateful that Jesus does not treat me with such contempt. How thankful I am that Jesus doesn’t say about me… “This is why I set such hard boundaries with Marisa. It’s all about HER!” Have I been in public, setting such a horrible example of Christianity, scandalizing others against Jesus by my words.
Do I Have All the Facts?
There is so much I didn’t hear and so much backstory I don’t know, so many interactions I didn’t see. I have no right to judge the hearts of these 3 women, neither the women they are gossiping about. In fact, I cannot judge the heart or intentions of any person. I CAN however judge a persons actions. In fact we all are called to this. Jesus tells us to judge when action is good or bad. Gossip has no upside, no benefit. As I think on this situation, I ask myself, would I want to be friends with any of these women after this? If I didn’t know about Christianity and Jesus, would I ever want to be a Christian as these women seem to be? Have I deterred anyone from relationship with Jesus because of something I have said?
“I like your Christ, but not your Christianity.”
Mahatma Gandhi
Here’s the Problem
This is why gossip is so vile and so dangerous. It also backfires. One gossips for several reasons but one of the main reasons is they are attempting to make themselves look superior by pointing out the flaws of others. Just as Padre Pio described, not knowing any of the parties involved, I feel compassion for the women being gossiped about. No doubt these women sought to gain sympathy for themselves but instead mine lies with their victims. The woman who planted, the woman who wants to find health without synthetic intervention. Regardless of whether I agree with their choices, I find myself angry that these women are so condescending and disrespectful of their “friend’s” personal choices. I find myself struggling not to think poorly of the gossipers.
When we speak of others we are also speaking about ourselves. We tell others how much, or how little compassion we have, how good or bad of a friend we are, how prideful we are, and how much we regard the personal opinions and views of our loved ones (especially when we disagree with them). As my ears hear their words, my spirit hears different… “My family member came over to help in the garden and surprise me but I am so ungrateful to her and angry because she never sought my council and leadership for her surprise generosity.” “My friend who battles a horrific and debilitating disease is trusting God to guide her where clearly He can only do this through His far less knowledgable and less capable creatures. God is not capable of healing you without human intervention.”
Consider This…
I don’t tell you this story to shame or criticize these women but rather to place myself and perhaps ask you to place yourself in their shoes. Have we been here? Have we done this? Think of the person in your life who irks you the most. Do you speak about them in a manner that lowers another’s opinion of them? We are called to be generous and charitable. We are called to love others as God loves us. Yes I know we are doomed to fail, as we do not have the heart of God.
Consider this: If you only aim for and try to gain what you think you can accomplish, once you are there, you have nowhere left to go. However, if you aim higher than you can ever hope to reach, yes you will fall short, but you will naturally attain more than you ever thought possible. We are called to sainthood and gossiping will not get us there.
Ditch and Switch
It’s hard to not jump right in when we find ourselves here, or worse when we find we have started it all. So what do we do in these situations? I have been thinking, praying and reading about this. Here is what I have to offer you…
- Always Excuse: I believe it was Fr. Santan Pinto S.O.L.T who said we should always seek first to excuse our brothers and sisters when they fall (Perhaps they are going through a difficult time…I am sure they are doing the best they know how…Perhaps someone hurt them in the same way and they don’t realize they are dong the same thing.) Whatever someone is doing, that you or someone else doesn’t like, excuse them in charity. Turn the conversation to one of charity and understanding. Imagine everyone gossiping about young Mary, unwed, pregnant, and all she has done to poor Joseph. Without all the facts and knowing she had done nothing wrong someone would surly get the wrong idea.
- Point out the good: turn the conversation around by pointing out kind and good qualities about them. This will naturally make others aware of their negativity and often change their mood.
- Excuse yourself: Sometimes the best thing to do when around a crowd of Negative Nellies and gossips is to simply and politely excuse yourself from the conversation. After 2-3 times of doing this in the same group or around the same person, they will start to wonder why you always walk away and they will begin to put 2 and 2 together.
- Pray for others: We are called to love and pray for others. Negativity and gossiping is an evil spirit. The person speaking needs our prayers to fight the demons they battle. “Mary” also needs our prayers that they may be protected from evil and calumny.
- Pray for help: Avoid not only sin but also the near occasion of sin. So send up a prayer for self protection to your Guardian Angel, patron saint, Jesus, and Mary. If every time someone gossips around you, you say 3 Hail Mary’s, The Evil One will start avoiding you so as not to encourage prayer from you.
- Make a friend: If someone you know is being gossiped about consider inviting them over for tea or coffee. It is likely they could use a good friend. Show them some love! Folks seldom gossip to someone about their own friends.
- Make new friends: “Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.” Proverbs 22:24-25 Gossips are often angry people. We tend to become like those we spend the most time with. Protect yourself from this type of angry spirit. If this is your group of friends, make new friends. Befriend those who show the qualities you wish to possess. They will eventually rub off on you.
- Remain silent: If you find yourself tempted by gossip, remember that we seldom if ever, have all the facts of a situation and when the truth later comes out the only one left looking a fool is the one who was uncharitable in words and action.
Better to be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
I forget who said that but have never forgotten the words.